My War On Terror
It is in times of strife, like 9/11, that a great leader needs to do great things. And once I got out of that elementary school and off that zigzagging Air Force One, the seeds of my strategy to win the war on terror began to take shape.
Step 1: Get reelected. This was our most important task, as Karl told me repeatedly I could not afford to deny this country my leadership at this most critical time. With only three and a half years left in my first term, I had to remember to keep my eye on the ball and not let Osama bin Laden distract me! But how to achieve this?
Step 2: Iraq. Saddam Hussein was always a Bush go-to guy and before the towers had hit the ground I knew we needed his help again. It was important to overcome the togetherness the American people and the World had shown my administration after that fateful day in September! “We are all one” is not George W. Bush’s style! Karl and I were more comfortable working against an enemy, so we knew an incomprehensible war in Iraq would give us that enemy: the liberal left! We would be the party of patriots keeping America safe which would give us cover for dirty tricking whatever lame-ass candidate the Democrats put up! Plus Cheney said the folks at Halliburton would appreciate the business and if you’ve ever looked into the cold dead eyes of the Vice President, you know you do as you are told.
Step 3: Make a bunch of shit up. Truth and reality now had to be dealt with. A substantial use of our Armed Forces against the Taliban and the eventual capture of Osama bin Laden was the kind of rational approach that would assure the sense of crisis would peter out before the 2004 election. I knew I could not let that happen! We had several fronts. First we needed to scare the crap out of everybody with a fantastic assessment of Hussein’s capabilities to deliver nuclear and biological weapons. Second, the formation of the Pretend Reporter Corps, loyal fake reporters would assure the invented weapons of mass destruction stayed in the public eye and that any arguments questioning them were immediately attacked before they took hold. Third, the intelligence community was filled with folks that insisted on making level headed assessments of the dangers inherent in waging war with Iraq. We kept them busy playing with Photoshop so we could get those nifty graphics of mobile biochemical labs!
Step 4: Tax cuts for the rich. During a war? Really, I did that? That doesn’t make much sense. Well sure, it makes the base happy but all of us needed to sacrifice didn’t we? OK, it’s just that Karl said he’d send Cheney in again to stare at me if I didn’t do it! God.....you people just don’t understand....(shudder).
Step 5: Reelection! The culmination of the war on terror came with my reelection! The neocon philosophy of America using it’s power to create our own reality got me employed for another four years. Bin Laden on the loose, revealing covert CIA agents and creating a gathering place for future terrorists to network and hone their skills were small prices to pay to provide this great country with the illusion of safety it so desperately needed! Mission accomplished!
Friday, July 08, 2005
My War On Terror