Monday, July 25, 2005

Conservatives Suffering From Outbreak of Ideological Whiplash

Medical experts across the United States are reporting that American conservatives are checking into hospitals and clinics in record numbers across the nation, showing signs of Ideological Whiplash.

“The American Conservative is very susceptible to Ideological Whiplash, or I.D.,” said Dr. Henry Fieldgate of Karrington General Hospital in New York. “Conservatives are prone to launch into emotional outbursts about scandals in the White House, it became a habit during the Clinton Administration. Whenever they heard a new development in the Lewinsky affair, off they’d go. Unfortunately, news about the outing of Valerie Plame is triggering the same outrage centers in the brain, they are in the middle of these fits before they realize they are talking about a Republican administration. The whiplash occurs when they have to suddenly shift from attacking the White House to defending it.”

Victor Williamson, a gun shop owner in Philadelphia PA, is a victim of I.D. “The doc has me in this ego brace for another couple of weeks. My ideology is still pretty sore. Doc says I sprained it but, thank God, there was no break,” said Williamson. “I was listening to the nightly news and I heard about a government official exposing a CIA operative for political revenge! I leaped out of my chair and started jumping up and down, screaming that Clinton’s whole crew were nothing but a bunch of damn traitors! Then it dawned on me, they were talking about Karl Rove. I quickly pulled back, trying to convince myself Rove was justified because Wilson was trying to backstab Bush, when the room suddenly started swimming. A small amount of fluid came out of my ear and I fainted. I guess it was too big a whipsaw for my psyche!”

Dr. Fieldgate said he recommends bed rest, a photo of Bill Clinton and a news blackout for victims of I.D. “The bed rest helps in recovery, once an ideology goes through a trauma like this it’s best not to reaggravate it for a while,” said Fieldgate. “The photo of Clinton helps the victims center their rage. Most conservatives invested eight years in creating intricate justifications for why a President’s personal affair was grounds for impeachment, this helps rehabilitate those emotions. The news blackout prevents any damaging conflict caused from pondering why trumped up W.M.D.'s, a mismanaged war in Iraq and the act of revealing a covert CIA operative are NOT grounds for impeachment.”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm getting that wiplash just thinking about what those horrible people are getting away with.

7:05 AM  
Blogger OldRoses said...

Gotta feel sorry for those Republicans. The way things are going in this administration, that whiplash will soon turn to actual broken necks. Hey, maybe that would mean more support for handicapped people!

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Doc -- I think I already said this but can't for the life of me find my comment so I'm leaving it again at the risk of repeating myself: Your blog is now #72 on Blogarama's "100 Most Popular List," right up there with the "Celebrity Slut Report" and ahead of many hard-core porn sites. What's your secret? How do you do it without pictures of naked, nubile bodies? Thanks, I'll take my answer off the air.

2:53 PM  
Blogger DrMax said...

Yes Snake, you did leave your comment, in the post below. I appreciate your monitoring my blog's progress against the industry leading porn sites. I hope it offered a brief respite from the flying squirrel research. It did give me a good post idea, so it was a win, win.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I've been suffering from Drop-Jaw. My doctor says that I need to stay away from the news too until I can start chewing solid food again. I wonder if they are related?

6:38 PM  

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