Thursday, June 23, 2005

Republicans Take Courageous Stand Against Imaginary Flag Desecration

On a vote of 286 to 130 the Republican controlled House of Representatives yesterday approved a measure that would outlaw acts of desecration to the American flag, which exist primarily in their own minds. The measure now moves to the Senate where Republicans hope to quickly to pass it in an effort to distract voters from the President’s declining poll numbers.

A sponsor of the measure, Orin Hatch, Republican Senator of Utah said, “It’s time to stand up for our symbol. I consider defecating on the flag, urinating on the flag and burning the flag with contempt!” Bill Parker, a resident of Utah said, “Did I miss something? Have we defeated the insurgents in Iraq, are our troops coming home? Did we solve the healthcare crisis? This is what Congress is spending it’s time on? I don’t know how it is in the rest of the country, but since 9/11 and the war in Iraq, I’ve seen nothing but an increased respect for the flag in this state. I mean, when was the last time you even saw an antiwar protest on TV, let alone someone taking a dump on the flag? And of all the things to imagine doing to old glory....kind of makes you wonder about Hatch doesn’t it?”

Republican Representative Wayne Dukeman announced a list of even more horrible things that could be done to the flag. “Some guy could blow his nose with one corner of the flag, then clean out his ears with the other," said Dukeman. "Or, let’s pretend there are these hippies, they could shred the flag into tiny pieces, mix it with pot and smoke it! And God forbid, some homosexuals could have sex or even get married on it! When the danger exists of someone actually doing these things that I just made up off the top of my head, Congress needs to act! Figuring out ways to keep terrorists from smuggling a nuclear weapon into our country will have to wait for another day!”

Karl Rove, President Bush’s senior advisor and Republican strategist could not stop laughing. “Oh man, how do I come up with this stuff,“ said Rove, wiping tears from his eyes. “Flag desecration, I tell you, I’m a genius! Have you seen doofus’ numbers? I kept telling him, drop Social Security, you are killing yourself! But it’s like talking to a brick wall. So he comes down the other day all whiney, saying he’s sorry, and can Uncle Karl help save his butt for the umpteenth time? So I dust off that old Republican nugget, a Constitutional amendment to prevent disrespect of the flag. It is so sweet, we get all these rational Democrats who feel a country’s greatness lies in it’s ability to allow protest and take criticism - on the record supporting flag peeing! The attack ads will write themselves! Karl, you magnificent bastard!”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You always make me laugh.
"When the danger exists of someone actually doing these things that I just made up off the top of my head, Congress needs to act! " BEST LINE EVER! )
sylvana | Homepage | 06.23.05 - 5:20 pm | #

8:20 PM  

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