Friday, June 10, 2005

Fruit Gusher Head Becoming an Epidemic


Parents and health officials have become concerned by an epidemic of deformities striking young adults who eat General Mills’ Fruit Gusher snacks. Eating the snacks causes the head of the victim to take the shape of the fruit flavor he or she is eating. The condition has been termed Fruit Gusher Head.

Wendy Stansfield of Wakesmith Colorado said that her daughter Stacey suffered from Fruit Gusher Head right before her class picture. “Well they were ruined,” said Ms. Stansfield, “just ruined. Do you have any idea what it is like to have the official record of your child’s graduation showing her head shaped and colored like a gigantic strawberry? I was in tears!”

Dr. Fred Besterman of Riverside-St. Francis Hospital in New York said outbreaks of Fruit Gusher Head have appeared all over the country. “Well I think it’s the ads,” said Dr. Besterman, “they actually show the kids heads changing after eating these fruit candies with the tasty liquid filling made from real fruit juice. It seems like the cool thing to do and soon you have every kid in the neighborhood walking around with their heads shaped like huge lemons or cherries. We’ve had no reports of damage to the head or brain, but we don’t know the long term effects of cranial fruit transformation yet.”

Doug Turner, an 18 year old from Libertyville Ohio, whose head is shaped like an enormous bunch of raspberries, said kids don’t see Fruit Gusher Head as a big deal. “Parents are the only ones who stress out about it. It’s kind a cool to get together and see how many shapes you make your head in one sitting. The candy tastes pretty good too. You get a slight buzz, but no big whoop. The only inconvenience is that your nose can start bleeding if you do a whole pack.”

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