Thursday, June 30, 2005

First Message from Extraterrestrial Radio Signal Confirmed: "Turn Your Radio Down"

The SETI Institute announced today that they have received a confirmed radio signal from an extraterrestrial source. The signal, coming from an area near the Crab Nebula has also been translated, with the first message received reading: “Turn your radio down.”

Jill Tarter, Director for SETI Research said that the signal was confirmed through repeated observations. “Multiple radio telescopes around the globe have picked up the signal, so we know it’s real,” she said. “What was most surprising was the ease of translation, the carrier signal contained a simple conversion key so we understand, for the most part, what they are saying! Apparently it is some type of alien radio call-in show, we’re hearing the phrase ‘Long time listener, first time caller’ and 'Love your show' over and over again as we translate!”

Seth Shostak, Senior Astronomer for SETI said that he was glad to have been present at this history changing event. “We’ll all remember where we were and what we were doing when we received that first message,” said Shostak. “From what we are piecing together the signal apparently comes from a program called ‘The Quendar 63942 Show’ and we can’t confirm it, but we’re guessing the show is about a proposal to build a light rail line in a city called Daldaron. Some callers appear in favor of it, to reduce the plasma gases from hover pods and others oppose it due to what construction will cost taxpayers in Grodon Crystals.”

Tarter said they will continue to monitor and translate the signal. “The confirmation of intelligent life elsewhere in the Universe is a profound discovery,” she said. “We’ve even heard what we think is an ad for a for an exercise machine that promises a slimmer waist in three weeks with no dieting. It will be truly amazing what this advanced civilization can teach us!”

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Dr. Max at Studio 54

When looking through my scrapbooks I found this picture of the night I got into Studio 54. Now I’d love to tell you some story about boogying the night away with Maggie Trudeau, or doing lines of coke off Bianca Jagger’s stomach but I got in just one night on a fluke. I think Steve Rubell was looking at another guy behind me who was naked and painted silver when he motioned in my direction and the door guy said I should go in. It was kind of exciting, but I think they realized I was a rube when tried to order batter fried cheese curds. When I asked the DJ to play a slow number instead of all that disco (specifically, I think I asked for “Mandy” by Barry Manilow) I was thrown out by some very well built and oiled security guys. Man, the 70’s were something.....

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

President Bush Uses Puppets to Illustrate Importance of Staying the Course in Iraq

In a major address to reassure Americans about the war in Iraq, President Bush this evening surprised the audience of troops at Fort Bragg, N.C., by performing a puppet show.

The show consisted of two puppets, Uncle Sam and McSurgy the Insurgent. The President performed voices for the puppets and used the show to illustrate his conviction that America must not waver in it’s fight for democracy in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Following is one of the scenes the President performed with the puppets:

President Bush: Say Uncle Sam, I’ve heard some critics say that we should announce a deadline for troop withdrawal in Iraq!

Uncle Sam Puppet : Well President Bush, I don’t think that’s a wise idea.

McSurgy Puppet: I think that would be a TERRIFIC idea! Why then we would just wait until you left and take control of the entire country. Nyahh Haa Haa!

Uncle Sam Puppet : McSurgy, one of these days.....

McSurgy Puppet: Bah, I am not afraid of you Americans! These troops I see all look weak and scared and I could...

It was at this point, the Uncle Sam puppet hit the McSurgy puppet with a large mallet, much to the delight of the Fort Bragg troops, who gave the President a standing ovation.

It’s too early to tell if the Presidents speech will help turn around the declining support the American people have shown in recent polls for the Iraq conflict. All agreed however that the President showed a surprising skill at puppetry and that he might have missed his calling as an entertainer for children’s parties

Monday, June 27, 2005

Dr. Max's Parenting Tip #1: Maintain an Open Dialogue With Your Kids

Dad: Did you clean up like I asked?

5 Year Old: Yes.

Dad: Well I didn’t hear any water running, did you really clean up?

5 Year Old: I think so....

Dad: Darn it kiddo, it’s simple, after lunch we wash our hands and face and brush our teeth. Same as we did yesterday and the same as the day before that. It will take you three minutes if you just do it! Why do I have to keep telling you the same thing over and over again until I'm blue in the face?

5 Year Old: Fine! I’m never going to love you again! And I don’t like you and I’m not going to give you a hug or a kiss either. Harumph! (Dramatic crossing of arms accompanied by a hammy stage scowl and turning of the head).

Dad: Well I’m sorry to hear that, but you still need to clean up.

(1 minute later)

5 Year Old: Dad? Can I have a cookie?

Dad: No, you may not. You haven't cleaned up yet!

5 Year Old: Baaaaaaawwwwllll. That’s no fair, you said on one of the days before today that I could have a cookie that time and Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I’m never going to have a cookie again in forever!!!!! Sooooooooob!

Dad: That’s enough.

5 Year Old: (Between tears and a surprising amount of snot) I’m never GOING TO HAVE ANY COOKIES ANY MORE FOREV-EV-EV (SOB) ERRRRRRRRR AND EV-EV-ERRR!!!!!

Dad: ALL RIGHT! You can have ONE cookie and then you get your little hinder into that bathroom and clean up!

5 Year Old: (Sniff) OK, (snurff) I promise....

(3 minutes later)

Dad: Did you clean up like I asked?

5 Year Old: Yes.

Dad: Well I didn’t hear any water running, did you really clean up?

5 Year Old: I think so....

(Repeat endlessly)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Guests in My Garden

It’s always a treat for me to walk in my garden. Gardens are a way for us to keep a connection to nature. As I walk among my plants I see some tiny guests have joined me. I spot some small aphids feeding on my summer thyme. Amazing creatures. I watch as they climb from the base of the plant all the way to the tallest leaves. I spray them directly with diazinon, and watch as they fall, dead before they hit the ground.

As I walk by my hydrangeas I spot the beautiful Monarch butterfly. This delicate creature probably flew all the way from Mexico to grace my garden. I watch as it flutters from flower to flower, it’s orange and black wings catching the sunlight as it does. A quick fogging of the area with extra strength sumethrin and tetramethrin knocks the Monarch and several small sparrows out of the sky in mid-flight!

Feeling slightly dizzy after breathing in some of the fog I retreat to the bench in a shady arbor in the back. Here I see the lattice work of a fragile web, I also spot the spider that created it. I hear the sound of bees, delighting in my patch of lavender. An army of ants makes a line around my daylilies, which are particularly lush this year. When faced with so many types of insects, I find I have no choice but to turn to my canister of black market DDT. Covering the area thoroughly it takes only minutes before all signs of movement stop. The murder of these disgusting, dirty insects is worth the price one must pay in hair loss and bleeding from the eyes!

Yes, gardens are indeed a blessing to the soul. And if any more of these small “guests” show up, I plan on introducing them to my new pal, Mr .357 Magnum!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Karl Rove's Bridge Too Far

Karl Rove today continued his attacks against liberal philosophy. After a speech he gave to conservatives in New York was roundly criticized by Democratic party leaders as offensive, it was thought Rove would tread more lightly in any new addresses. But in a speech to the Young Republicans of Maryland, during their annual meeting in Baltimore, Rove engaged in more anti-liberal rhetoric.

“The liberals want me to apologize, well, sorry. I mean SORRY I’m not going to apologize to a bunch of spineless wimps! Ha ha, in your face Democrats,” said Rove. “What do you get when you cross a homosexual with a liberal? Nothing, they’re all gay to begin with, ha ha ha ha, oh man, I got a million of them!”

The Senior Advisor to the President then said, “When you hear all the whining they do on the left, you have to figure they are all probably close pals with Osama and Saddam, right? In point of fact, you can equate them to the despicable insurgents whose roadside bombs are killing our troops weekly! They are a bunch of cowardly traitors all of them! That is why I’m asking that the President today initiate the Armed Services Patriot Insurance Directive for all active troops currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will systematically remove all liberal and left leaning soldiers from our military so they can no longer endanger the mission that is so important to true Americans like us!”

Rove said, “That will of course leave all the fighting to you, the children of wealth and privilege. And I know in my heart that all of you, who have benefited so much from our President’s policies, will answer his call to spread freedom and democracy throughout the world! I know that you, as members of the most elite class of this great country, will take up this challenge and report to the front lines to fight with honor and bravery! No matter if those lines are in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria or South Korea! And no matter how long it takes! Am I right Young Republicans of Maryland?”

After a period of shocked silence, Rove was pelted with picture phones, iPods, Prada handbags and several Starbuck’s frappuccinos. As rioting ensued, it took Secret Service agents over 35 minutes to remove Rove from the Baltimore Convention Center. Rove was flown by helicopter back to the White House, bruised but unhurt. The convention center received substantial smoke and fire damage.

Friday, June 24, 2005

The Tough Job Market for Doodles the Clown

I tell ya, it ain’t easy being a party clown these days. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe it’s gas prices, but people just don’t seem to want to hire professional clown entertainment for kid’s parties anymore. I used to be busy every weekend before my divorce, and...ah crap, just a sec...Doodles will be done in a second kids, just hold your frickin horses OK? Gad, it’s gettin so a guy can’t take a smoke break anymore.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyways, I guess I can kiss all the that money I spent on the clown correspondence course goodbye. I can just hear my ex-wife laughing at me now. I don’t have anything booked through July! They said the jobs would just be rolling in but I....WOULD YOU BRATS PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN! DOODLES HAS A HEADACHE! Jesus Christ, you think parents could raise their kids to have some damn manners! Their little voices go through my rainbow covered skull like a pneumatic drill!

It’s probably the Nintendo that is ruining it for us clowns. These kids today just don’t appreciate a balloon animal made before their eyes or the wonder of a magic trick anymore. No, they are plugged in 24 hours a day to a TV or their computers and a guy with a little clown white and a wig just doesn’t do it for them anymore, it makes me...HEY YOU! YEAH YOU, THE FAT KID! DID DOODLES THE CLOWN SAY YOU COULD TOUCH HIS TRANS AM? NO HE DIDN'T! SO WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR CHUBBY LITTLE PAWS OFF MY CAR BEFORE I.....OW! CRAP, GET OFF ME LADY!!!

Hey don’t worry, I’m leaving! Well, I don’t care if they are crying, what do you think of that? Oh yeah, same to you, bitch! (I’m tellin you, there’s another one, JUST like my ex!)

See what I mean folks? I’m afraid we have turned a corner in this country. The innocent entertainments of yesteryear, like clowns, no longer have meaning. How tragic. Hey pal, I ordered my boilermaker, like, 15 minutes ago, DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT MYSELF?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Republicans Take Courageous Stand Against Imaginary Flag Desecration

On a vote of 286 to 130 the Republican controlled House of Representatives yesterday approved a measure that would outlaw acts of desecration to the American flag, which exist primarily in their own minds. The measure now moves to the Senate where Republicans hope to quickly to pass it in an effort to distract voters from the President’s declining poll numbers.

A sponsor of the measure, Orin Hatch, Republican Senator of Utah said, “It’s time to stand up for our symbol. I consider defecating on the flag, urinating on the flag and burning the flag with contempt!” Bill Parker, a resident of Utah said, “Did I miss something? Have we defeated the insurgents in Iraq, are our troops coming home? Did we solve the healthcare crisis? This is what Congress is spending it’s time on? I don’t know how it is in the rest of the country, but since 9/11 and the war in Iraq, I’ve seen nothing but an increased respect for the flag in this state. I mean, when was the last time you even saw an antiwar protest on TV, let alone someone taking a dump on the flag? And of all the things to imagine doing to old glory....kind of makes you wonder about Hatch doesn’t it?”

Republican Representative Wayne Dukeman announced a list of even more horrible things that could be done to the flag. “Some guy could blow his nose with one corner of the flag, then clean out his ears with the other," said Dukeman. "Or, let’s pretend there are these hippies, they could shred the flag into tiny pieces, mix it with pot and smoke it! And God forbid, some homosexuals could have sex or even get married on it! When the danger exists of someone actually doing these things that I just made up off the top of my head, Congress needs to act! Figuring out ways to keep terrorists from smuggling a nuclear weapon into our country will have to wait for another day!”

Karl Rove, President Bush’s senior advisor and Republican strategist could not stop laughing. “Oh man, how do I come up with this stuff,“ said Rove, wiping tears from his eyes. “Flag desecration, I tell you, I’m a genius! Have you seen doofus’ numbers? I kept telling him, drop Social Security, you are killing yourself! But it’s like talking to a brick wall. So he comes down the other day all whiney, saying he’s sorry, and can Uncle Karl help save his butt for the umpteenth time? So I dust off that old Republican nugget, a Constitutional amendment to prevent disrespect of the flag. It is so sweet, we get all these rational Democrats who feel a country’s greatness lies in it’s ability to allow protest and take criticism - on the record supporting flag peeing! The attack ads will write themselves! Karl, you magnificent bastard!”

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Baseball's Grand Tradition of Boredom

Baseball's Grand Tradition of Boredom

Summer is the season when one is reminded of America’s pastime: baseball. And when I think of this game, invented right here in our own country, I can’t help but think we really could have done better than this boring-ass sport.

Every year we get the endless poems and essays and articles about the hallowed tradition of this most pastoral of games. But not one of them mentions how butt-numbingly slow and mind alteringly boring the sport is. Yes, I’ve heard Bob Costas and Billy Crystal go on and on about their Dads taking them to Yankee Stadium and how their love of the game became a true bond between father and son. My Dad felt that the hassle of traveling across state, sitting in an hour traffic jam to park and paying premium prices for 3/2 beer to watch a scoreless pitchers duel, was just not worth his valuable time. He instilled in me the love of ducking out in the 7th inning to avoid the post game traffic jam, a tradition which I try to follow to this day. I can still see the joy in his face as he glided our Chevy Impala Wagon back home on the interstate free from stadium and the stultifying game taking place inside. I love ya Pop.

Of course in these past few years we’ve seen the importance of tradition in Major League Baseball. I speak of the legacy, handed down from the days of Ruth and Gehrig, of our boys of summer plunging steroid loaded needles into their thigh or buttocks. Yes, even the players apparently thought the game was so slow that they needed to transform into real life Incredible Hulks, knocking balls out of the park so the fireworks would go off and wake up all the fans.

I understand my opinion of baseball is a minority one. Please, go to the park and watch the exciting strategy of a two hitter if that’s what you enjoy. But I’ll be at home, comfortable in my easy chair, finding something more exciting to watch on TV. Like soccer

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Deep Throat Transcripts

Universal Pictures and PublicAffairs have agreed to pay close to $1 million to buy the film and book rights to the life story of W. Mark Felt...the book will be published next spring and will combine Mr. Felt's recollections about his life and his relationship with Mr. Woodward with material written by John O'Connor, the lawyer who wrote the Vanity Fair article
- NY Times

Ronald Kessler: When I interviewed Mark Felt he had dementia from strokes and I felt it would be very hard to rely on what he said. When I mentioned Bob Woodward, he thought that Woodward was a government lawyer...
-Washington Post

O’Connor: Now Mark, when did you first meet Woodward?

Felt: I like cashews.

O’Connor: OK, Mark, now listen, WHEN DID YOU MEET WOODWARD!

Felt: Oh, he was in the Navy then, a courier as I recall. We met outside the Situation Room at the White House. Little did I know he’d later become a reporter for the Post and that our paths would cross again at one of turning points in the history of this country. Keep your eyes open, I think the squirrels are planing on stealing the syrup again.

O’Connor: Ahhh....anyway Mark, can you tell me why you felt you had to cooperate with Woodward and Bernstein’s investigation as a source?

Felt: Well sir, let me tell you. I am a loyal American, have no doubt about that. But when I saw what was going on in that White House, I had no choice. It was clear to me that Nixon’s activities were a danger to the Constitution of this great land, a Constitution I had sworn to defend! Also they had plans to unleash the giant mutant chicken they kept in the basement to attack the FBI!

O’Connor: Moving would Woodward signal you that he wanted to talk?

Felt: I think he would move the plants on his deck or light the Bat Signal. Sometimes the magic elf that lived in my desk drawer would whisper that Bob needed my help. It was smart to listen to the elf, the alternative would have been to go face to face against that damn chicken!

O’Connor: All right, Mark why don’t I let you get some rest and we’ll pick up with some more tomorrow.

Felt: Yes, bring some cashews. And make sure that neither the squirrels or that big chicken follow you!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Just Wanted to Say Hi

Just Wanted to Say Hi

Hey there folks. Dr. Max here, it’s been quite a while since we chatted. How are you all doing? Hey, that’s swell, good to hear it.

I hope you’ve been enjoying the blog. I’m having fun doing it. It’s been an interesting process. I didn’t have a master plan when I started (as a review of my early entries will painfully illustrate), I guess I figured it would be like most of the other blogs out there, a personal diary with occasional humorous writings and cartoons. But the writings and cartoons have essentially taken over. Which is fine with me. There are some really great bloggers out there, who discuss their personal lives daily and do it with style and wit. That’s just not me. First off, my life is truly very, very boring. Second, I was raised in the grand tradition of midwest stoicism, which comes down to: I won’t burden you with my personal problems if you don’t burden me with yours. You could only break the rule if you gave birth or got some life threatening illness but even then, it wasn’t polite to go on and on about it..."All right already you brought new life into the world, we’re HAPPY for you. Now let’s get back to talking about the Packers!”

I also make no claims that my posts are funny to anyone but me. I figure that’s what makes a blog and the web unique, everybody gets to do what they want. If this isn’t your cup of tea, just hit the “next blog” button in the upper right corner and you’ll be taken to another site that might be more to your liking or at least one with a higher nude photo count.

I’ve added Kevin Smith’s blog to my Prescribed Links. The director of Clerks, Mallrats (which features the Eden Prairie Mall as I remember it, before it was remodeled into faux Frank Lloyd Wright), the fantastic Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Jersey Girl, has started a daily blog while he is starring in a movie called Catch and Release in Vancouver B.C. I’m a sucker for great dialogue in movies and Smith is a master. Also, if you get a chance pick up his Evening with Kevin Smith DVD, check out his story about working with Prince, it’s hilarious and will give you great insight into the pitfalls of fame. Don’t watch it with Grandma though, Smith uses profanity like most of us use oxygen.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Kids Refuse to Give Father “World’s Greatest Dad” Ranking

For the third year in a row the children of Frank T. Krantz of Westacres CA, have refused their father the “World’s Greatest Dad” ranking. The ranking is usually granted to all Dads as a tradition of Father’s Day.

Jenny Krantz, 18, said her father is adequate, but she really wouldn’t call him great. “I broke up with my boyfriend the night before prom,” said Jenny. “As you can imagine, I was devastaed. I was crying in my room when Dad came in. I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face, and he just kind of looked embarrassed. He started stammering and said he’d only come in to check if I had anything blocking the cold air return for the furnace and that I should probably talk to my Mom. He then went downstairs to replace the furnace filters. Way to step up when I needed you, Dad.”

Larry Krantz, 14, said he too thought his dad was all right but could do better. “He has a pretty good job,” said Larry, ”but he’s not one of those super rich dudes, that, like, give their kids cars and parties and junk. For birthdays, all we get around here is a card that Mom signs for herself and Dad and twenty-five measly bucks. And trust me, there is no way he even remembers it’s our birthday unless he sees a cake with candles burning. Plus, if Mom didn’t put our name on the cake, he wouldn’t even know which kid was having the birthday!”

Frank Krantz defended himself. “I guess it’s not enough that I work all week so they can eat food and not sleep in cardboard boxes, “he said. “They should have seen my ol’ man, you messed up and it was the strap! They don’t know how nice they got it! Excuse me for not being all new-agey and telling Jenny and what-his-name that I love them every five minutes!”

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Burger King Star Wars Toy Theater - Part II

Burger King Star Wars Toy Theater Part II

Friday, June 17, 2005

Apple Switching From PowerPC to Doritos Chips

In a surprise announcement, Steve Jobs, chairman of Apple Computer said that Apple Macintosh computers will be switching from the IBM PowerPC chip to Doritos “Cool Ranch” Tortilla Chip in 2006.

Speaking at Apple’s World Wide Developers Conference, Jobs said the move was necessary because IBM PowerPC chips are unable to meet the performance demands of future Macintosh desktop and Powerbook laptop computers. Jobs said, “Frito-Lay came to us and said that they could add a silicon layer to their popular Doritos Cool Ranch snack chip which will utilize the crisp tortilla’s unique multidimensional surface. What’s amazing is that it provides twice the speed while producing half the heat, all with zero grams of trans fat!”

Chairman of Frito-Lay, Irene Rosenfeld got a laugh from the audience when she said, “When you think about it, Frito-Lay has long fueled Apple Computers, our snacks have been keeping developers running since the first Macintosh appeared! We are happy to be moving out of the vending machines at Apple and on to their motherboards. Along with the initial Cool Ranch chip have high hopes for a future 5 mhz Doritos Guacamole chip.”

Developer reaction was cautious. Craig Andrews of Omni-Type software said he’d have to see if the actual specs of the Cool Ranch chips match the hype. “Well, I eat them all the time and they are really tasty with salsa,” said Andrews, “but we just don’t know how silicon infused processed corn snacks will hold up in real world conditions. The chip switch might also cause delays in software conversion because we’ll all have to learn how to code in Nacho Cheese.”

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Frist Blames Misdiagnosis of Shiavo on Poor Cable Reception

Senate Republican leader Bill Frist today blamed bad cable reception as the reason for his misdiagnosis of Terry Shiavo.

The recently released autopsy results on Ms. Shiavo showed that her brain damage was extensive and irreversible. Earlier this year Frist had said the Terry Shiavo seemed responsive to him, basing his diagnosis on video footage he watched for an hour or so in his office. Frist said, “What I didn’t realize is that the Capitol cable system had a rusted connector at the grounding block outside my office. I had been getting a lot of snow and the Hallmark Channel was getting ghost images from the Game Show Network. I should have realized I had a problem with my reception. Looking back, I should have looked at the raw tape and not the cable feed since the autopsy shows she was blind and my comment about her being able to react to visual stimuli was a lot of hooey."

Frist said he would have Senate maintenance staff look at creating a “drip loop” in the TV cable before it is connected to the grounding block. “The loop would allow rain water to drain from the cable instead of following it to the connection," said Frist, “and should prevent any future problems of me using a brain dead women’s life as publicity tool to court the right wing base by creating a sham battle against activist judges!”

When asked if he had any regrets about making a diagnosis of a patient without examing her in person or using the United States Senate floor to announce his misdiagnosis, Frist said, “I’m looking into switching the entire US Senate to DirecTV, I think most of my fellow Senators would really enjoy the NFL Sunday Ticket!"

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Burger King Star Wars Toy Theater - Part I

Burger King Star Wars Toy Theater - Part I

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Reason for World Naked Bike Ride Protest Lost in all the Nudity

The World Naked Bike Ride held on June 11th may have been flawed, due to the fact that all the nude people on bikes distracted from the protest’s goal of publicizing the world’s dependency on oil.

Matt Sugarman, who observed the ride in Seattle WA, said he couldn’t remember what the protest was about. “I’m, like, sitting there and three girls go by, totally buck naked! Riding bikes! If you’re telling me it was about oil, fine, it’s just my mind kind of went blank after I spotted the first nipple!”

Rebecca Collinsworth of Naperville IL, said several of the Chicago male bikers stopped to chat about the reason for their protest. “I should have been paying attention to what they were saying,” Collinsworth said, “I think they were talking about how we are a society that depends too much on gas and oil, but I’m not sure. All my concentration was going into not staring at their penises.”

One of the riders in the Austin TX protest, Burt Anderson said he hoped that riding a bike naked down a city street would show people that there are alternatives to gas powered vehicles. “The nudity is just a way to draw people’s attention," said Anderson, "hopefully some of them realize they can give up these poison belching monstrosities and get to work while getting in shape!” Austin resident Janice Tucker, who saw Anderson ride said, “Well I tell you what, I wasn’t thinking about alternative transportation when he passed me and rounded the corner. I just kept thinking the dude should keep an ass that pale and hairy covered up.”

Monday, June 13, 2005

News Organization Deludes Itself into Thinking it Won't Lead with Michael Jackson Trial

A prominent news division of a major network fooled itself into thinking it was going to lead it’s broadcasts today with a story other than the Michael Jackson trial. “Today’s the day,“ said the formerly proud news organization, “we’re going to lead with genocide in Africa, or the troubles of the European Union, or even the danger to our troops in Iraq, not Michael Jackson!”

The new division went on, “ I mean Michael Jackson is an important personality, but is he really what we should be covering day after day after day? He is a 46 year old man who never had a chance to grow up properly. All his problems would have been averted if someone had just sat him down and said, ‘Y’know Mike....sleeping with young boys at your age is just not cool and actually rather creepy.’ I mean, we wouldn’t have to be watching this sad spectacle if somebody had just used some common sense with the guy!”

“But today we draw the line,” said the news organization, “today we tell America that it should be concerned with more important matters! High gas prices, the housing bubble, the battles in Washington over Social Security! Honest to God, it feels good to be a real news organization again! Finally we can hold our heads high and lead with a story that is real news and not gossip!”

The lead story of the news bureau's next broadcast was about how the stress of having the Jackson jury still out was hard on the spectators outside the court house.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Perry Mason Wraps Up the Case

Paul Drake: Well I was there, I saw him confess on the stand Perry, but I’ll never understand how you knew that Barker was was the one that murdered Townlenson!

Perry Mason: It was quite simple Paul, once I heard Barker tell Hamilton Burger that he had left the Torch Lounge at 2:00 AM and not 2:45 AM as he reported to the Lt. Tragg, I knew that meant he had enough time to travel up to Mulholland Drive and retrieve the gun from his ex-girlfriend Dina Kraugstaff’s house, shoot Professor Townlenson at the lab and then return back to his apartment before the phone call from police to inform him of the the professor’s death, which he had said woke him up.

Della Street: I see, then his fight with Neederman was just a ruse!

Perry Mason: Right Della, he had been blackmailing Neederman’s secretary to give him an alibi in case Weirnheimer and Kenderbine every found out about his affair with Gotterdale’s wife.

Paul Drake: Then Barker knew that Gotterdale, Stevens and Thorsen were checking into the firm’s finances and would have suspected that he embezzled some funds.

Perry Mason: Precisely Paul, if Barker had known that Levinson had told Andrews about where Kraugstaff kept his gun he surely would have had doubts about the deed to the silver mine.

Della Street: Which means Haverlake couldn’t have been at the museum when the security guard said he was!

Perry Mason: Right, and that meant Barker was lying about the bonds and his tax returns from 1959. So Townlenson had to go.

Paul Drake: It’s so obvious, and I just couldn’t see it. I guess you need a new investigator Perry!

Perry Mason: Paul, don’t be ridiculous! I couldn’t fire you, not when you’re going to buy us all dinner.

Della Street: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Paul Drake: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Perry Mason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Critic Reviews Last Night's Dream

It was with much anticipation that I awaited the newest dream from my subconscious last night. However, upon waking, I find that the dream was both unoriginal and disappointing. It’s plotting was confused and it’s images seemed arbitrary. This was not a “dream” come true.

The dream started with me running naked into my old high school, late for a final exam. My unconcern about being disrobed stuck me as being implausible and the whole “late for the final” theme has been done to death in previous nightmares. When will the unthinking part of my brain start producing bolder themes which challenge my perceptions about the world and my place in it?

Then, almost as if on cue, my mother appeared. She was wearing a catcher's mask and a pirate hat. She told me not to eat the telephone. Excuse me subconscious, what point were you trying to make? If I wanted a plot that made this little sense I would have rented Eyes Wide Shut again. At least Nicole Kidman is naked in that movie and not me!

And then as if to put the last derivative cherry on this sundae of clichés I once again found myself being chased by an unseen monster while my legs seemed unable to move me forward. OK, thank you REM sleep, but I’ve been watching this same scene since I was 8 years old! Is it asking too much to find a more original script?

I’m afraid I give last nights dream only 1.5 stars. Lack of a coherent plot and banality of themes makes me wonder if my subconscious really has the talent for directing these nighttime productions or if it should just go back to regulating my breathing.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Fruit Gusher Head Becoming an Epidemic

Parents and health officials have become concerned by an epidemic of deformities striking young adults who eat General Mills’ Fruit Gusher snacks. Eating the snacks causes the head of the victim to take the shape of the fruit flavor he or she is eating. The condition has been termed Fruit Gusher Head.

Wendy Stansfield of Wakesmith Colorado said that her daughter Stacey suffered from Fruit Gusher Head right before her class picture. “Well they were ruined,” said Ms. Stansfield, “just ruined. Do you have any idea what it is like to have the official record of your child’s graduation showing her head shaped and colored like a gigantic strawberry? I was in tears!”

Dr. Fred Besterman of Riverside-St. Francis Hospital in New York said outbreaks of Fruit Gusher Head have appeared all over the country. “Well I think it’s the ads,” said Dr. Besterman, “they actually show the kids heads changing after eating these fruit candies with the tasty liquid filling made from real fruit juice. It seems like the cool thing to do and soon you have every kid in the neighborhood walking around with their heads shaped like huge lemons or cherries. We’ve had no reports of damage to the head or brain, but we don’t know the long term effects of cranial fruit transformation yet.”

Doug Turner, an 18 year old from Libertyville Ohio, whose head is shaped like an enormous bunch of raspberries, said kids don’t see Fruit Gusher Head as a big deal. “Parents are the only ones who stress out about it. It’s kind a cool to get together and see how many shapes you make your head in one sitting. The candy tastes pretty good too. You get a slight buzz, but no big whoop. The only inconvenience is that your nose can start bleeding if you do a whole pack.”

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Cerumenex May Not Be For Everyone

The Cerumenex Patch is manufactured by Tentacumed Pharmaceuticals. The Cerumenex Patch is to be used by those suffering from E.E.W.B.S., Excessive Ear Wax Buildup Syndrome, a term our guys in marketing made up to so you’ll ask your doctor to prescribe it rather than buying Q-Tips. Our advertising is geared to make you think this condition is common when all our studies (which we will never show anyone unless forced to by a lawsuit) show it is actually quite rare.

The Cerumenex Patch is to be placed on a shaved area of the skull. The highly concentrated drugs and hormones may cause a burning sensation or actual flames. Those with high blood pressure, kidney disease, asthma or who have a liver should not take Cerumenex. In rare cases the Patch was shown to cause, anal bleeding, liquefaction of the lungs, explosion of the bladder and a slight bumpy rash.....that will destroy all skin affected in 3 days. See your doctor if any of these side effects occur.

Women who are pregnant, who may become pregnant, who don’t give much thought to pregnancy, have formerly been pregnant, or who have seen someone who is pregnant should not be within 48 feet of anyone with the Cerumenex Patch. You do not want to see the kid that pops out if that happens, seriously.

In some cases the Cerumenex Patch may cause the mild to moderate destruction of the an entire city block’s population. Flee to a fall out shelter or protected underpass if Cerumenex exposure starts to kill over 40 percent of the people in your neighborhood. If you are wearing the Cerumenex Patch and are still alive, chances are you’ll be fine. Leave all close relatives immediately however, as continued exposure will almost certainly cause death like symptoms in them, including death. And you’ll forever blame yourself knowing everyone you ever loved is gone, just because you had waxy ears. Good luck living with that.

The Cerumenex Patch comes in tan or clear for sensitive skin.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Right to Life Group Protests Killing Cancer Cells

An extreme right to life group called No Life Too Small has made headlines recently by protesting the destruction of living cancer cells through medical treatments.

No Life Too Small’s leader Rev. Duke Maxwell says that man must not interfere with living cells, even if they are growing uncontrolled in a human body, “We must not try to read the Lord’s mind on which form of life is more important, whose to say cancer cells are not just as important as an embryo?”

Breast cancer survivor, Wendy Leevan disagrees, “I’ll say it. Cancer is bad. It is not like an embryo. I say destroy all of it you can find. Find a cure for it so no one in the future has to suffer or die from it. Also, let me say that Rev. Maxwell is a complete nincompoop!”

Maxwell’s group recently protested a Walk for the Cure charity event being held in Milwaukee Wisconsin. They carried signs which called the cancer survivors and family members of cancer victims “Cell Killers” and “Neoplasm Murderers.” Maxwell used a bull horn to berate those participating in the charity walk.

Charles Hanson, whose wife’s colon cancer has gone into remission was taken aback by No Life Too Small’s protest. “At first I thought it was a sick joke, then I just kind of stood there, slack jawed in disbelief. I got my senses back and punched that moron right in the nose,” said Hanson

Maxwell said, “It’s the typical liberal reaction I’ve come to expect. These are violent people, in the way they deal with different opinions and the way they deal with living cancer cells! This is why they use doctors to indiscriminately destroy these innocent cells through radiation, chemotherapy and surgical extraction!”

Leading cancer expert, Dr. Benett Yardley said, “Oh my yes, I’ve single-handedly destroyed hundreds of thousands of cancer cells, and will continue to do so in the future. It makes me happy to do it, and it really makes my patients happy too, since they like to stay alive. I guess No Life Too Small is entitled to it’s opinion of course, even if it is idiotic in a way I find difficult to describe in words.”

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Dr. Max Succumbs to the iPod People

It’s true, I’m one of THEM now. Proud owner of my first iPod. A sleek gray little iPod Mini and it’s all Dr. Max’s. Almost an entire music library on a little player a quarter of the size of a Walkman. Yeah baby!

Now, as a person who remembers the excitement of getting my own stereo with a built in 8-track tape player back in the 70’s, this iPod seems like a miracle. I remember listening to my Jim Croce 8-track cassette, the track switch came right in the middle of “Operator” (“Operator, can you help me place this call? you see....fade out...KA CHUNK!....fade in..the number on the matchbook is old and faded.”). Apparently it occurred to no one at the record company that this distracted from enjoyment of the song. Well, I can have Jim’s whole library now, from Bad Bad Leroy Brown to Lover’s Cross and not one KA CHUNK!!

I have used the iTunes software for a few years now so I had a good head start on music, which I was making CD’s from. I think the secret of the success of iTunes for Apple is that it tapped into the mixed tape gene. I had given up the habit myself after college until this software arrived. I can’t count the number of times I opened iTunes and promised myself that I would just look for a few songs and go to bed. Of course, there I was at 3:00 AM, clicking for that perfect song and looking like those lab rats that press on bars to release morphine to their brain stem.

I’m still learning how to use the nifty track wheel, I keep flying by the song I want because it is so neat to play with! Going to explore pod casts and maybe try a few audio books too! If anyone has a suggestion for a good tune, put it in the comment field! Isn’t this exciting? My first iPod!!

Oh.....well......jeez, OK maybe I’m the only one that’s excited.....but you didn’t have to swear at me like that.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ohio Fundraiser Involves Politicians in Amway

Republican candidates across the country, including President Bush, have become annoyed at a prominent Ohio fundraiser who has involved them all in selling Amway Products.

Tom Noe, a leading campaign contributor to Republican candidates, convinced many of them that they could make big money by selling Amway products. President Bush recently returned 50 cases of SA8 Laundry Concentrate which he failed to sell during his Social Security tour. Karl Rove, speaking for the President said, “The President thought he would have more time during the tour, but our staged Q&A’s would always run over. The secret to Amway success is convincing other people to sell the Dish Drops and the L.O.C., and then becoming their distributor. And once those folks convince others to start selling and become their distributors, it’s like you’re all printing your own money! But with being leader of the free world, the President just wasn’t able to devote enough attention to this exciting home business opportunity. It’s a shame, I think we’re just going to have to eat what we laid out for that pallet of Tri-Zyme presoak. I guess we can give it out as gifts to foreign leaders.”

Three Ohio Republicans officeholders are also upset at Mr. Noe for setting each of them up as Amway’s “exclusive” Nutrilite distributors in Columbus. Attorney General Jim Petro said, “I’m out in front of the Capitol, during lunch of course, and I have my booth set up to let people know about the benefits of Nutrilite Omega 3 and who do I see with the exact same booths near the steps? Auditor Betty Montgomery and Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell! I mean I’m running against them for governor, now I gotta share my Nutrilite territory with them too?! I don’t know what Noe was thinking!” Ms. Montgomery said, “I know I can be the most effective governor for Ohio and I know I outsold both these guys on the Nutrilite Concentrated Fruits and Vegetables tablets! Once I get going on the benefits of key phytonutrients, I can’t keep the cases in stock!” Mr. Blackwell said, “Yeah, Noe wasn’t really honest about this thing, but as Secretary of State, I can make it a law that each citizen must purchase Nutrilite’s Targeted Herbal supplements, so I think I may be looking at some sizable bonuses from Amway!”

Noe also reportedly set up California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as a west coast supplier of Amway’s eSpring Water Treatment Systems. The Governor has failed to return any money or eSprings from the deal.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

On a Cosmic Level, Shakespeare's a Hack

When taking into account all the dramatists in the entire universe, William Shakespeare, considered to be one of finest literary figures in the history of Earth’s Western world, was found to be a hack writer.

Shakespeare’s reputation for distilling the truth of human behavior so that it resonates even 400 years after his plays were written remains, but only on Earth. His plays seem slight when compared to the Vetcan Cannon, an 18 year theatrical cycle in which real emotions are telepathically transmitted to the audience. Shakespeare may make his audience think, but the citizens of Palomar Beta 6 find that the Vetcan Cannon actually changes their lives, making them better six tentacled creatures when it is over.

Shakespeare also fairs badly against Tagmar of Kraslar, a playwright who lived for 600 years on the planet Lavlapau. Tagmar’s ability to manifest the actual characters of his plays into existence and produce multigenerational stories that were entertaining and enlightening, were enjoyed by Hologram Hall audiences all over the Pladran galaxy. They also put the Bard’s Globe productions to shame.

It is the size of the universe that is most damaging to Shakespeare’s reputation in space. On an Earth only scale Shakespeare, compared to all the alien playwrights of all the galaxies in the universe, would be like a writer from The Love Boat.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Psychologist Says President May Have Issue Priority Dyslexia

A leading psychologist claims President Bush may be suffering from an undiagnosed case of Issue Priority Dyslexia, a brain condition that makes it impossible for a person to get his priorities in order.

"Take the President’s obsession with Social Security, “ says Dr. Marvin Sather of Midwestern University in Illinois, “I believe he was out touring again this week, like a Captain Ahab in search of the private accounts white whale. Of course, I’m not saying the funding of Social Security is unimportant, it’s just that the current budget deficit and astounding shortfalls in Medicare are what the President needs to be talking about. It’s this confusion in knowing what issues to publicize and address that is the classic sign of Issue Priority Dyslexia, or I.P.D.”

“I.P.D. can also effect a person’s perceptions, make them feel they are dealing with one issue when in fact they are dealing with an entirely different one, “ said Dr. Sather. “It’s possible that when the President talks about Saddam Hussein, his mind is really showing him a picture of Osama Bin Laden. When he gets reports about Iraq, it could be he thinks they are talking about Afghanistan, this is a very complex condition. Which may be why we are spending a majority of our military money and manpower in a country where the person responsible for September 11th is not located.”

“Although the President has some of the finest taxpayer provided medical care, this condition is very rare, I’d be glad to be called in to consult,” said Dr. Sather. “With the right kind of help we can keep I.P.D. in check and no longer have President Bush ignore high gas prices and health care costs because he thinks the most important domestic problem is activist judges.”

Friday, June 03, 2005

Number of Offers For Landslide Homes Reduced by a Third

Real estate agents revealed today that the landslide in Laguna Beach has tragically reduced the number of offers on the homes involved by a third.

Drake Fallows of Laguna Prime Realty said one of the first houses down the hill is now down to only two serious bidders. “It was like we lost one buyer for each foot it fell,” said Fallows, “it’s just so sad. Most homes in this area usually go for an amount over list price which increases with each person who makes an offer. I hate to say it, but the owner might only make two to three hundred thousand over what they invested last year. Sometimes you wonder what God is thinking.”

Wayne Dander and his wife Eileen are one of the couples who are still in contention for a multistory converted bungalow that was involved in the slide. “Hey, they tell you to expect the unexpected when you start looking for a house! I tell you it’s still our dream place, even if it is mostly scattered bits of wood and concrete incased in mud right now,” said Mr. Dander. Although prevented from inspecting the house due to the danger of further collapse, Mrs. Dander is still excited about moving in if their bid is accepted. “The corner room is going to be the craft room I’ve always dreamed of, it’s that one with the huge geyser of water shooting out the window from the sheared off fire hydrant,“ she said.

Most experts agree that massive overbuilding on soil made of loose, silty sand and clay is a sure sign of a hot market. Neil Renard of the California Bureau for Housing Bubble Retention said that the unstable hills in Laguna Beach are just one example of the “risky” locations being found for new developments. “San Andreas Acres is a new multitrack complex being built on the San Andreas fault,” said Renard. “Each house is going for a starting price of the high 700’s and they didn’t have to excavate to put in a lovely water feature. They just covered the actual fault depression with neoprene and filled it with water. You’d swear it was an authentic mountain stream!”

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Fall TV Preview

Summer may have just begun but the television networks already have their fall schedules set to go. What will be the hot new series of the 2005-2006 season? That One Blog takes a look at some of the new drama, comedy and reality series which will premiere in September:

Another Damn Procedural-Grand Forks (NBC) Emmy Award winning producer Jerry Bruckwolf, adds another series to his landmark Another Damn Procedural franchise, this time set in the North Dakota town of Grand Forks. Whether it’s a shoplifting at K-Mart or expired tags on a 83 Dodge pickup, Detective Bud Lundgren and Patrol Officers Wendy Thorsen and Vick Phillips are on the case! In the series premiere, Lundgren (played by Mandy Patinkin), Thorsen and Phillips (played by some actors you’ve never heard of) are involved in a high profile jay walking incident in East Grand Forks Minnesota! See tensions flare as a jurisdiction battle rages between Lundgren and his nemesis Minnesota State Patrol Sergeant, Greg Bellows (Alec Baldwin in a reoccurring role).

Ghost Whisperer (CBS) Jennifer Love Hewitt returns to television in this new series that is not Medium, but seems a lot like it. As Melinda Gordon, Hewitt discovers she has the psychic powers to speak to the dead, which is what Patricia Arquettte does in Medium, but this show is different because Hewitt is a brunette. As Gordon, Hewitt finds her powers effect her personal life and may be more of curse than a gift....oh hell, who are we kidding here, this is Medium with a different name, the Ghost

The Unexplained (ABC) In the middle of a freak storm in Florida lights appear in the sky and then seem to land. Twin girls, missing since 1972, return to their home in Oregon unchanged since the day they disappeared. Strange symbols appear in a corn field in Nebraska. What’s the cause of these mysteries and are they related? JJ Abrams producer of such hits as Lost and Alias introduces his new series starring William Devane as Skip Norcross, leader of a team of investigators who tackle unexplained phenomena. Follow Skip and his team each week as they fail to unravel the truth! You'll enjoy the frustrating false leads and wild character swings that has made Lost so popular! In the end, it will all remain...The Unexplained!

Do You Want Fries With That? (CBS) Stand-up comic Dale French stars as Wes Baily in this situation comedy about a dot com millionaire who has lost it all and is forced to work at a fast food hamburger joint he bought while riding high. Baily learns humility and regains his humanity as he interacts with the diverse and hilarious fellow employees caught in minimum wage hell. The show will be canceled after two episodes.

Make Your Own Reality (FOX) A reality show that pits three contestants against each other to come up with the best idea for a reality show. The winner gets a guaranteed 6 week run of their reality show, produced by FOX which is also producing the reality show where the winning reality show is created! Things get real as each contestant competes for the writers and directors they need to make the best reality show while they are being taped for a reality show! Its the reality show to end all reality shows....although none of this could actually happen in the real world.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Star Wars Fan Tries To Convince Himself that Revenge of the Sith was Good

Alright! Finally, a good prequel movie....I think. No, it was, it was....sorta. Wait, I mean that Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Sith was really awesome! I’m almost pretty sure it was, at least.

First there’s the romance between Padme and Anakin. That was some romantic dialogue about love being blind wasn’t it? Well, I guess you could also say it was stilted and confusing too...I don’t know. I’ll slow it down when I get the DVD so I can piece together just what the hell they were talking about....but they seemed to be laughing so I’m sure it was slightly comic and romantic....or maybe I was chewing my popcorn too loud and didn’t hear it right.

Oh yeah! There’s this giant iguana thing that Obi-Wan rides on this planet called Utapau. And it is so cool. Still, it walks like a giant iguana so Obi-Wan must have been flying in all directions in the saddle....probably lost some fillings. I also kept thinking the damn lizard was going to turn around and eat him, but no, it was just his iguana horse y’know it’ was really a way.

And Revenge of the Sith sure comes through with a villan! Let’s just say Palpatine is not the “nice” guy he appears to be. Unless of course you guessed who he was within the first ten seconds of his appearance in Phantom Meanace. But it’s cool how he uses his sneaky ways to confuse Anakin as they attend Mr. Bubble: The Opera...which is a music thing with these bubbles that float around and some fishes and junk and....oh hell, I can’t explain it! Whatever it was suppose to be I’m sure the shot cost Lucas a pretty penny!

To see Anakin turn into Vader I’m telling you, that was really that happened. Still, didn’t that scene where Obi-Wan light sabers off Anakin’s legs and then just stands around while the hot lava splashes on him and he bursts into flames seem kind of.... what are the words I’m looking for....awkward and cruel? Wait, Anakin had already gone to the dark side by then and had sliced up the younglings so it served the dude right! But man, it was pretty cold of Obi-Wan just to walk away and leave him there...but hey, he’s a Jedi right? Sure, probably had to because of some Jedi code or something....I guess.

Anywho, the whole movie is GREAT! Not so much tragic as it is efficient. If you’re a Star Wars fan you just HAVE to see it on the big screen! Or wait for the DVD, your call. I really liked the movie...well, to be honest, Empire Strikes Back kicks Sith’s overburdened with special effects, machine scripted, ass - but still, of the three bad prequel movies it is the least bad! So don’t miss it!! Unless you’d rather see Monster-In-Law.