Saturday, May 07, 2005

Watchdog Group Wants Battle Droids Recalled

(Galaxy Far Far Away) Defense watchdog group Better Droids Now has launched a campaign to have the cornerstone of the Trade Federation’s security division, the Battle Droid, recalled.

Nebslot Hackworth, spokesman for Better Droids Now said, “Look, we know that Baktoid Combat Automata got a sweetheart deal on the manufacture of these things, but they have delivered a defective product. Most experts agree, Battle Droids are practically useless!” P.R. spokesman for Baktoid, Flerm Saunders disagrees, “We’ve heard nothing but raves on the Battle Droid’s performance! The Federation is confident in our ability to produce mass quantities of these unquestioning soldiers and has found them quite useful in all aspects of their operations.”

Hackworth said that his sources inside Baktoid tell a different story, “Let me put it this way, Jar Jar Binks destroyed almost a division of these things by himself. You heard me, Jar Jar, frickin’ Binks!! And if a Jedi is around? Please, it’s pitiful! Light sabers go through them like butter! Hell, if a Jedi sneezes 10 Battle Droids fall over!”

Baktoid's spokesman Saunders said that problems are being addressed. “Well, the Naboo offensive showed a few design flaws. Having a planetary invasion force of Battle Droids rendered useless, through the destruction of their orbiting Droid Control Ship by a nine year old boy, was a bit of an embarrassment. Our engineers are confident we have addressed those defects however, so we look forward to successfully crushing more peaceful planets in the future!”

Hackworth added, “There have got to be some kickbacks going on, with the size of the orders and the number of these droids destroyed, somebody is making a lot of credits! We also have hints of inflated production costs. My sources tell me the Battle Droids run on cheap upgrades to some off-the-shelf protocol droid software. It turns out they were originally designed to be, and I have the documentation to back this up, restroom attendants!”

Baktoid’s Saunders said, “The Federation has great confidence in all of Baktoid's defense industries. Our engineers in the Deep Space division are currently working on plans for a massive space laser platform, as big as a small moon! It will be invincible to all known enemy ships! Well, there is this ray-sheilded exhaust port, a proton torpedo in there could blow the whole thing up, but the engineers assure me they’ll have that licked before construction begins!”


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