Sunday, May 29, 2005

Scott McClellan, Master of the Mystic Arts

White House Press Secretary and Master of the Mystic Arts, Scott McClellan, once again used spells and incantations to alter reality during his daily press briefing.

McClellan began his briefing with an incantation, “By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth I say to you, Newsweek and it’s article are responsible for all strife in Afghanistan and Iraq, the President and his policies bear no responsibility, by the all seeing Eye of Agamotto, make it so,!” The weak willed White House press corps then said in unison, “It is so, great McClellan.”

When asked why the President of the United States, who was biking in the Maryland countryside, was not informed of the security breach of a Cessna aircraft entering the no-fly zone over the White House until after the crisis was over, McClellan cast the reporter in an eldritch bolt. “Begone foul keeper of facts, to Munipoor I assign thy being!” The reporter then disappeared into an alternate dimension.

McClellan was also asked if the White House had any further information about the access it gave to Jeff Gannon, the Talon news service reporter who was later found to have been offering on-line male escort services. McClellan raised his hands and said, “I call upon the omnipotent Oshtur to create a field of disinterest about this story, whereby all will soon forget it even existed!”

Finally when asked about the failure of the President to create any public interest in private accounts for Social Security, McClellan said, “I call upon all the Vishanti, Agamotto, Hoggoth and Oshtur to confuse all Americans into thinking such a change would save Social Security, by all my powers as Sorcerer Supreme make this so! I said...MAKE IT SO! Umm, Vishanti, can you hear me? Hellooo? OK, look, I may be a master of white magic, but not even I can dress up a pig like private accounts!”


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