Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Romance and Terrorism Rarely Mix

An Alternate Season Finale to 24:

Jack: Hi Audrey, say, I have to go capture that terrorist who just launched a nuclear missile and find out where it’s gonna land, do you need anything at Albertsons?

Audrey: Look Jack, don’t think favors are going to fix everything, we have to talk! You’ve killed my husband and tortured my brother on this “mission” of yours to prevent a terrorist attack, I think we really need to discuss how this effects our relationship.

Jack: Jeez Audrey, now? But I gotta go get Marwan, we just found out where he is, we have to make him talk about the missile!

Audrey: That’s just like you Jack, putting your job before everything else in your life!

Jack: Ahhh Audrey honey, I’m trying to prevent millions of citizens from burning in a nuclear holocaust, I really don’t have time for this...

Audrey: Don’t take that tone with me mister! If it’s not nuclear war, it’s anthrax, if it’s not anthrax it a large scale chemical attack! What about me Jack? I have needs, this relationship can’t work if it’s always going to be about you rescuing vast numbers of Americans from certain death!

Jack: Audrey, I am a counter-terrorist operative, this is what I do!

Audrey: And I’m a women Jack. I need to know how you feel about us! Say it Jack!

Jack: Awww, c’mon, not in front of the other operatives.

Audrey: Say it!

Jack: Oh man, OK. You is my huggie wuggie snuggle bear!

Audrey: (Giggle) Is I your honey woney angle pie?

Jack: Hee hee, you know you is, and here come the kissie bombs (smack, smack smootch.)

Chloe: Jack, a nuclear missile just landed in Los Angeles, untold millions have perished.

Jack: DAMN IT ANYWAY! This is GREAT, just GREAT! L.A. is no longer on the map, are you happy now Audrey?

Audrey: Fine! If this is the way your going to be, I’m going home to Daddy!

Jack: No, Audrey wait, I....dang it! I’ve lost a major American city and my girl all in one day. I guess counter-terrorist operatives really can’t have it all.


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