Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The FAQ of the Borg


Borg Public Relations Pamphlet A6300-B
Borg Assimilation FAQ


We are the Borg, a race of space cyborgs who conquer all civilizations we encounter. Your planet has been chosen to become part of the Borg collective. Congratulations! Here are some frequently asked questions we receive before we turn living beings into cybernetic automatons.

Q: Can we resist the Borg?
A: Resistance is futile.

Q: Does the process of being turned into a Borg hurt?
A: Oh my, yes. Even when we sever your spinal column to implant fiber optic cable the pain is excruciating. Try a couple of Tylenol before processing downtime.

Q: What is it like being a Borg?
A: You will become an insignificant member of a vast galactic network. Your mind will no longer be your own instead it will assist in the drudgery of keeping the electronic and biological collective functioning. Much like working at the all night drive thru window at Hardees.

Q: What will my job be as a member of the Borg collective?
A: The Borg offers opportunities as:
A) Servant to the Borg Queen.
B) Implant Surgeon, to place Borg technology into screaming patients.
C) HVAC and Refrigeration repairman.
D) Front line assimilator troop (You’ll be an initial target for phaser weapons to assist the collective in adjusting it's shields. And yes, you will be killed.)

Q: How can I advance in the collective?
A: You cannot advance in the Borg collective. You are assigned a role and you will fulfill it until your biological systems cease functioning. Borg implants are then removed and your body is jettisoned into deep space. However, we do offer full dental and allow for Hawaiian Shirt Day on alternate Fridays.

Q: Are you sure resistance is futile?
A: Yes. We are the Borg! We’re not like those Klingon pussies.

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