Saturday, April 30, 2005

Gladys Knight and the Pips Fail to Offer New Insight into Ailing US Passenger Rail Service

Gladys Knight and her back-up group, the Pips, once again failed to offer any new insights into the current state of US passenger rail service in a recording of their 1973 hit Midnight Train to Georgia.

Asked if she felt the present federal policy toward Amtrak was sustainable, Ms. Knight resorted to her standard answer, "He's leavin' on that Midnight Train to Georgia, said he's going back to find a simpler place in time." The Pips, also refusing to address the issue said, "Whenever he takes that ride guess who's gonna be right by his side?"

Ms. Knight had no comment on whether tax payers should still support a rail system which will need substantial infrastructure improvements in high traffic corridors. Instead, she changed the subject, saying, "He kept dreamin' that someday he'd be star." To which the Pips quickly added, "A superstar but he didn't get far."

Although pressed neither Ms. Knight or the Pips seemed to be willing to go on record regarding future rail subsidies, Amtrak's glide path to self-sufficiency, or who it was that L.A. proved too much for. Instead the elusive Ms. Knight said, "I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine." In conclusion, the Pips said, "Her world is his, his and her's alone!"

Friday, April 29, 2005

Ask Chef Max

Chef Max here, direct from the kitchens at That One Blog, let’s see what questions we have in the mailbag this week.

Chef Max, I’m a stay -at-home dad with two kids. Do you have any suggestions for a quick meal, that takes little preparation? We’re a family on the go and I hate spending all day at the stove just to make a lunch. Thanks in advance,

Harried in Hartford

I tell you what Harried, any stay at home parent can sympathize. Have you tried Kraft’s Easy Mac (TM)? All you do is place some prepackaged noodles in the microwave with a little water for 3.5 minutes. Add the powdered cheese, and voila, macaroni and cheese like mom used to make! Microwave up some hot dogs and you’ll have your meal problem solved quickly and two happy kids to boot! Thanks for the question.

Hi Chef Max, love your column!! My husband just completed his first year at a pristegious midtown law firm. To celebrate the anniversary, the custom at the firm is to throw a party for all the partners at your home. I’m a decent cook, but could really use some suggestions on what to serve for appetizers and the main course. Help!

Fretting in Ft. Worth

Hey Fretting, fret no more. An easy solution is to count how many guests you expect then go to a warehouse store and buy the BIG box of Easy Mac. Get a bulk size package of hot dogs too. Figure one pack of Easy Mac for each guest (or two if the guest is hefty) and one hot dog! Once the guests show up, fire up that microwave and you’ll have a meal the firm will be talking about for weeks!

Dear Chef Max, I am preparing to make Smoked Trout Rillettes when my husband’s folks come to visit in a few weeks. Do you have a particular brand of creme fraiche you’d suggest I use?

Confused on Creme Fraiche

Well, La Dee Da, Confused, aren’t you Ms. Snooty McFancypants. Creme Fraiche? I don’t even know what the heck you’re talking about. But hey, go ahead, make your precious Trout Nipples or whatever they are. Just don’t blame me if your in-laws are more than a little upset they got screwed out of their microwaved Easy Mac and hot dog!

Chef Max, are you a real chef? All you ever do is tell people to buy Easy Mac and hot dogs. Are you being paid off by Kraft? I have grave doubts that you have any culinary skills at all!

Troubled in Tacoma

You know what Troubled, why don’t you get off my back?! This is you: “Oh Chef Max, blah, blah, blah, whiney, whine!” I think your diaper needs changing you crybaby! And for your information smart-guy, NO cash has ever changed hands between me and Kraft Foods! Just pallets and pallets of rich, creamy, golden, mouth watering, microwavable Easy Mac macaroni and cheese...nummmmmy yummmmmy cheeeeeeese.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

President Bush Blames Democrats for Ignoring Looming Crisis of Accelerating Universe

(Washington DC) President George W. Bush today accused Congressional Democrats of offering no new ideas on how to prevent the impending crisis of an expanding universe.

"In only 100 trillion years or so our universe will expand to the point where future generations of humans, probably on some type of space ark, will no longer be able to see stars in the sky," said the President in a speech which marked the end of his 60 city tour to highlight the problem. "Now I don't know about you but I think my future great grand kiddies deserve to have something to make a wish on!"

Although Bush has presented no written plan, Republicans have mentioned immediate funding for development of plasma star-harnesses, as a way to avert the looming disaster. "Let's start addressing this problem now, and not wait until trillions of years have passed and it's too late" said President Bush, "if the Democrats have a better idea let's hear it!"

Senate Democratic Leader, Harry Reid said, "Look, red-shift galactic spread should be a concern to all Americans, but I'm just not sure I'd call it a crisis. We have Social Security, Medicare, the deficit, and high gas prices which we need to be addressing, today! Frankly, I think that some future generation of homo sapiens might develop those gigantic heads and be able to, like, move stars with their minds!"

Tentacucorp Space and Satellite, a major contributor to the Republican party, would be responsible for developing the star- harnesses. Grey Peters, P.R. spokesman for the company said, "Hey, it won't be cheap. We have rough estimates that the cost for development of deep space platforms which generate plasma waves strong enough to hold stars in place, would be on the order of all known money on earth. So, we're ready to go when the President gives us the thumbs up!"

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Evil Criminal Mastermind Delivers Ultimatum

Greetings, my name is Count Vanderiech. I have taken control of this blog. Oh, do not bother switching to another site, I am afraid that would be quite useless. For I have taken over all the Internet to deliver to the world my ultimatum!

Unless the amount of 40 trillion dollars is transferred to my Swiss bank account by noon tomorrow, I will use this laptop computer to launch all armed nuclear missiles on this planet!

Oh, it was really quite simple for someone of my advanced intelligence to gain control of all the launch codes, your Internet made it mere child's play to....wait. What the? Why has my screen gone blue? Hold on, get Phil up here. No, not Phil from shipping, Phil from tech support!

Anyway..I...if I can just get this reboot to work...I will certainly cause a great deal of havoc on all the....SON OF A... this stupid thing! Phil, thank God, what the hell is going on with this laptop? YES! I did a reboot! But all I got was the lousy blue mode? O.K. but....DAMN, blue screen AGAIN....NO, I DID NOT DO A BACK-UP!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

O.K., world, look I'll have to get back to you on the ultimatum thing, I'm on hold with the laptop manufacturer's help desk and I don't want to miss it if they pick up...HELLO? At last, yes I'm....customer I.D. number? What's that? All I see is a product and serial number, no I.D. number! No wait, don't put me on HOLD again I......CRAP!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Some Lawmakers Express Regret about Reflecting Pool Drilling

(Washington D.C.) On the one year anniversary of it's passage, several federal lawmakers have expressed regret about their support of an act that opened the Washington D.C. Reflecting Pool to oil exploration .

Called the Reflective Pool Energy Initiative, the act opened the shallow body of water to deep well petroleum drilling. Senator Denton Chaplin (R-TX) said he was proud to vote for the initiative to help the country achieve energy independence, but that the smell has been a surprise. "I don't know, it's sorta like a sulfur, old tennis shoe type of deal," said Chaplin, "plus I do miss all those cherry blossom trees that died."

Representative Nelson Farthing (D-SD) said he also regrets his vote in favor of the drilling. "Well, I thought some of the pumps might look cool reflecting along side the Lincoln Memorial and the new World War II Memorial, but if anything they tend to be a distraction. Particularly during the well fires."

Tentacucorp Energy & Mineral, which won the right to the drilling (and is listed as a major contributor to both Chaplin and Farthing's reelection campaigns) said they next plan to develop an open-pit mine next to Jefferson Memorial.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Lilo and Sith

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Fountainhead Diaries - The Journal of Howard Roark

July 1st - Awoke early today. I did so on my own terms. I do not follow the sleep/wake patterns of the masses. Drove into the office with the usual horn honks and police chases, no traffic lights will make me submit to the will of the common man. My secretary was busy preparing a new proposal and didn’t have my usual coffee and doughnut on the desk. My secretary determines if she has time to get me a doughnut, she is an individual and as such her decision involves neither expectation or regret on my part. Still, I was kinda hungry for a doughnut.

July 5th - Opened the paper today to another rant against me by architectural critic, Ellsworth Toohey. He said buildings like mine are an affront to the agreed tastes of society. Mr. Toohey thinks these attacks will make me give in to the pressure to please the public. My work is my work, for people to take or leave as they so please. I don’t give a thought to the opinion of Mr. Toohey. The little prick.

July 8th - Met with Gail Wynand, editor of the New York Banner. Wants me to build a summer house for him and his wife, Dominique. Wynand said of all the architects whose works he reviewed, only mine possessed any true genius. I said I knew that he would say that, but his praise was not needed as my work was it’s own reward. He said he knew that I was going to say, that I knew what he was going say, because only a true individual would and what’s more he thought so too. I said I knew that he would say, that he knew that I would say, that he knew....and stopped. Several minutes of silence passed with both of us trying to remember what the hell we were talking about. I slowly backed away to the door and let myself out.

July 10th - Busy day. 10:00 meeting at the Farnworth Towers site. Then had to run across town for an 11:10 blowing up of my Weebly Field Building (the contractor had altered my specifications and used #10 1.5 inch coated screws instead of the uncoated ones). Barely had time to pick up the dynamite in between!!

July 12th - Another one of my buildings has fallen down. Officials want to blame me for trying to support a 60 story tower on a series of bamboo poles cable tied together. Bah, my vision called for bamboo poles and that is what I, as a creator, built. In the end a man, as evidence of his existence on this earth, has only the creations of his own mind. And if these creations are to have any lasting meaning they must never submit to any whim of society or law of gravity!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Louise was Surprised that Prozac now came in a Sauce

Browsing the retro advertisements of is like eating salted peanuts. You'll swear you will stop after a few but you can't.

You'll also find you can't help but caption each and every one. So, go to it!

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Critical Fop

And now That One Blog's critic-at-large, the Viscount Mayberry Jourdain. Better known as The Critical Fop:

Tis a ponderous burden being a fop in this modern age. My benefactor, Lady Agnus Smythe-Reese has furnished for me adequate accommodations in her penthouse apartment, and in so expects me to provide her company and companionship. She particularly enjoys the tile game mahjong and challenges me to endless duels. While letting her win (and listening to her endless stories about the buffet on her last cruise) I can't help but notice how the inch thick pancake makeup she applies to hide her 68 years and the lipstick she rarely keeps within the borders of her lips, mix to form an off-red crust. This crust in turn outlines the circumference of her wrinkled mouth and gives her the appearance of a clown face balloon which is losing air.

In facing this each day one can imagine how I find my only solace in the various entertainments and diversions of your 21st Century. Yet I am a man of discriminating tastes, and much of what I see troubles my highly refined sensibilities.

The situation comedy Joey (NBC) reminds me of the automated music box which was the favorite toy of Prince Worthington of Bulklavastan. I, being a member of his court, would be trooped in with other Lords and Ladies to watch this contraption's four mechanical musicians play (off-key) several of Mozart's concertos. 'Twas a wondrous invention, but after the third or fourth viewing it's novelty wore off and the machine became most tiresome and predictable. Tis the same with Joey. It's as if someone winds it's key each week and it plays. The actors are not without talent, but can seldom display it as the gears of this program demand a regular, setup, punch line, setup, punch line, leaving them in character not unlike Prince Worthington's automatons. Some trifle of amusement is occasionally produced but mostly we just watch it play until it winds down and mercifully ends. It makes one reach for his snuff box in regret for another half hour of one's short time on earth, lost.

Alas, my benefactor is calling after me for more mahjong..."You look as lovely as ever Milady. Is that a new dress? Really, the buffet had an ice sculpture shaped like a dolphin? Amazing my dear, simply amazing...(sigh)...."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Let me be the First to Suggest the Nickname "Eggs"

It just seems to be a nice short name and a lot easier to remember than "Holy Father", "The Holy See" or "Vicar of Christ." Like, "Hey, Eggs, hurry up, it's time for Mass." You know, just for real close friends.

I'm happy Roman Catholics now have a new leader, Pope "Eggs" Benedict XVI (see, it works!) Perhaps the media can begin covering news happening to people of other faiths again. Now, don't get me wrong, a new Pope is historic and newsworthy, but with the death of Pope John Paul II we've had a month of Vatican coverage now and it's a little much for a Lutheran like me.

Now my guy, Martin Luther, REALLY had problems with the Catholic church. Marty got so mad at their pay-before-you-go indulgence plan that he nailed 95 feces to a church door. Boy, you really have to be angry at someone to collect that much feces, let alone try to nail it to...what's that? Theses? 95 theses? Ohhhhh.

Anyway, Pope Benedict XVI says he wants to do battle with moral relativism. Remember, this is a church that allowed Cardinal Law's Priest Relocation Program to exist for years, so I imagine they know something about moral relativism. Good luck with that by the way.

Well, you probably won't believe me now but to all the good Catholics I know (almost all of whom live their faith) a sincere congratulations! Happy New Pope to you all!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Tim Hawkinson at the Whitney

Tim Hawkinson's works are strange and they teeter on the cusp between the real and the unreal and...ahhh, he the Whitney, which is some sort of museum in New York and from what I gather not at all associated with Bobby Brown's wife.

O.K. look, I got this book, Blogging for the Beginner. It says that you should throw in titles like the one above or "Marsalis at Wolf Trap", it gives your blog a certain sophistication. According to the book, all you really need is the title, nobody actually reads the entries underneath! Well I hope the book is right because I'm going to look pretty stupid if any of you actually end up reading this.

But, hey, if any of you are New Yorkers and want to see extension cords tied up to look like shorts, head over to the Whitney. Tony Hawk's exhibit ends... I mean, Hawkinson, that's it, Tim Hawkinson's exhibit ends May 29th.

Walking with a Ghost: A Brain Tick Song

There is a category of pop hits I call brain tick songs. I downloaded Tegan & Sara's Walking with a Ghost several months back, since it was the iTunes free song of the week. It was a brain tick, leaping from the speakers and attaching itself to my skull where it would play it's catchy chorus over and over and over for the next several weeks.

Whether shopping, showering or eating, the brain tick pumped Tegan & Sara's harmonies directly into my brainstem. A distraction at times when the song displaced important information, like which pedal the brake was and my name.

Most brain tick songs eventually fall away, having spent their load of novelty. Yet, there is that most dangerous of pests, the perpetual brain tick song. The mere mention of the title causes a new tick to form and the infernal melody to start anew, as if it were recent recording. Say, a song like Don't Worry Be Happy....crap! "Here's a little song I wrote," forgive me please, "You might want to sing it note for note," for the love of God make it stop, "Don't worry , be happy......"

Monday, April 18, 2005

Cardinal Caught Practicing Papal Signature During Conclave

(Vatican City, Rome) Cardinal Bud Lewis of Minneapolis was found to have been practicing a potential Papal signature during the first day of the historic conclave to choose a new Pope, taking place in the Sistine Chapel. Cardinal Lewis mistakenly left a blue Meade notebook behind after the conclave, which contained multiple variations of a Papal signature written over several pages in the back.

The notebook was found by Cardinal Richelieu of France who said, "Man, Lewis had all the rest of us Cardinals in stitches. Like we'd really choose him to be Pope, he's what? 43? I mean, seriously, you should have seen what he wrote, 'Pope Pius XIII' and 'Pope John XXIV' and he's underlined them and has these cherubs and junk as a border. I tell you the guy must have gotten too close to the black smoke."

Cardinal Lewis defended himself, "Look, I was only doodling while the ballot process was going on, which takes forever because of all the ceremony! So, just my luck, Richelieu finds the notebook. He tells everybody else then they all start in with the razzing." Cardinal Lewis added, "Hey, I dare you to take a look in their notebooks, don't tell me I was the only one, you know what I'm saying?"

The Papal conclave continues tomorrow.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Wild Untamed Frontier of Cyberspace

With my o'l blog about three days old now, I consider myself to be in the frontier of cyberspace.

It's wild out here, untamed. Now I'm not sayin anything against all those high traffic, well established and popular city folk type sites, but out here in the wilderness you rely on your guile and grit. And you help out your fellow pioneers too. Why just this evening, the lady who established her porn site not two days back brought over a casserole. Thank ya kindly Madam Mischief, I'm much obliged.

Yup, out here, where bots have yet to tread, it's quiet. Narry a stirring in the comment fields. Of course it could be lots of folks have stopped by, but were unable to type anything due to the boredom induced comas.

But ain't that what makes the internet great? A fella takes a chance. Puts out small piece of his soul for the world to see. The world takes a look and if you're lucky they'll like what they see and set a spell. If not, you must humbly wave as they pass by in route to

Saturday, April 16, 2005

That One Blog Exclusive! Interview with the Monster from Lost, with Picture!

(Oahu, Hawaii). It sits in a huge director's chair, it lights a cigarette (specially made, as big as some of the palm trees behind it), it closes it's eyes for a moment and starts. "This is hard for me," said the least known cast member of the ABC series Lost. "It's just really good to be back, for a while there I wasn't sure I would be."

It's the Monster. After an exciting debut in Lost's thrilling pilot, little has been seen of this creature. It's absence was thought by a lot of fans to be the fault of the series' writers, but in this exclusive interview we found out the real story. "The fact is, I've been in rehab the past four months," said the Monster. "It's the typical VH-1 Behind the Music type story," it continued, "fame, booze and drugs. I was pretty impressed with myself and the success of the series so I started partying. Big time. Big mistake."

"Look, we would have loved to show more of the Monster but filming with it was impossible," said Lost's Creator and Executive Producer J.J. Abrams. "The fans have been riding us pretty hard, but the Monster was just in no shape to do scenes." Co-Creator and Co-Executive Producer Damon Lindelof agreed, "The Monster was going through six or seven tanker trucks full of vodka a day, have you ever tried to wake something that big when it passes out?" Abrams continued, "I admit this took me totally by surprise, the Monster did a great audition! Frankly, I thought my biggest headache this year was going to be Tom Cruise on Mission Impossible III, with the Scientology this and L. Ron Hubbard that, but this rehab situation was a real distraction."

The Monster's agent, Morty Reynolds felt for his client. "Y'know the Monster cares," said Reynolds, "it knew it was letting everybody down. I've worked with some of the greats, The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and Mechagodzilla! Trust me, this kid has their kind of talent! Unfortunately the kid also has a weakness for the juice, the crazy weed and the broads."

The Monster said he decided to go into rehab after a night of partying with some of Hollywood's elite. "Let's see, Lindsey was there, Paris too I think and the Olsen twins. Well, I scored some prime smoke and I got the munchies, you know? Before I knew what I was doing, down the hatch goes Mary-Kate. Or was it Ashley? I always get them mixed up. Anyway, the police come and I'm so out of it that I threaten to tear down the landmark Hollywood sign, so they let me go with a warning. But man, I just felt bad and I knew it was time to change."

"Like they tell you at treatment, one day at a time," said the Monster. "I'm feeling better now. J.J. says he has a lot more scenes with me in the final episodes, so I'm pretty excited about that. I know I have to regain a lot of trust around here but I'm sure I can do it." No matter what role the Monster plays as the season ends for Lost, here's hoping his personal story has a happy ending.

Janet and Frank Shared an Almost Erotic Love of Bacon

Lately I have become fascinated by old 1940-1970 advertisement art. They present the American dream in beautiful, over saturated four-color. For some crystal clear scans of these ads check out and return to the days of big cars, well dressed homemakers and thirst inducing pictures of beer.


T.V. With a Side of Snark

If your favorite T.V. show has been selected by Television Without Pity you are indeed fortunate. Get a weekly recap served up with a professional eye for detail and snark. Enter the forums and rub sholders with fans and smart alecks, all who will bring your appreciation of Veronica Mars or Lost to new levels.

It's not just T.V., it's Television Without Pity!

(P.S. The Lost Bitterness Fiesta RULES!)

Friday, April 15, 2005

Credit Where Credit Is Due

This is the original Dr. Max. His real name was Max Hahn and he was the host of The Dr. Max Show a kid's program broadcast out of Cedar Rapids Iowa during the 60's.

I lived in La Crosse, Wisconsin and I would watch Dr. Max and his clown friend Mombo at my Grandparent's house every afternoon after school, since they had cable television (the station signal was too far away for my folk's aerial antenna.) Grandma would let me sit in the big chair, bring me some sugar cookies and fruit punch and I would settle in for a visit with the good doctor. Dr. Max introduced me to art of Warner Brother cartoons, the genuis of Curly Howard and the other Stooges as well as moral teachings from Davey and Goliath. He and Mombo also performed simple comedy sketches.

I'm sure anyone over 35 or so had a similar show in their part of the country. With Cartoon Network, Boomerang and Nikelodeon all these shows died away. A pity because a lot of these hosts were real friends in young lives.

So, thanks Max Hahn. I dedicate this blog to you.

Find out more about Dr. Max and Mombo (and you can even order a video with clips of the show!)

Welcome Boys and Girls!

Well, hi there! My name is Dr. Max. What's yours? Uh huh...golly, that's a swell name. Welcome to my little clubhouse here on the internet. I hope you'll join me each day for some fun, cartoons and a whole bunch of blather. Say, if you enjoy your visit why not tell your friends to stop on by? Would you do that now? Hey, thanks a bunch!