Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A Morning After Election Note from Uncle Karl

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

This IS NOT happening. I’m Karl Fricking Rove for Christ sakes! There has to be some mistake here, I ran these numbers over and over again! I followed my play book, ran the racist and scare ads 24-God-damned-7 over this past weekend! I sent the goons to scare away folks with dark pigmentation from the polling places in key districts. HOW COULD WE LOSE????????

Independents don’t vote, where did these people come from?? Iraq was a bloody mess the last election and not one of these idiots bothered to vote back then. We keep all of you bastards safe and THIS is the thanks we get? And you holy rollers, what the hell? So Foley likes the male pages, he’s a person in POWER, get it? We’re allowed to live whatever lifestyle we preach against, it’s one of the perks we get by condescending to keep you safe from gay marriage and abortions! Why are you sticking a knife in our back?

Speaker Pelosi? ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?! I have to chug a bottle of Pepto-Bismol every time I think about it. This is just not possible, all my polls said we’d get the non-thinking drones in our base all worked up and turn off enough other voters to squeak another one by. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? And don’t think I’m not going to call and complain to that moron from Diebold. Guaranteed results my ass!

Looks like we have no choice but to turn to Plan X. Going to have to start the paperwork to declare George as America’s first emperor appointed by God. We'll have to abolish Congress and the Supreme Court. Probably will need to call enough National Guard units back from Iraq to deal with the unrest. You pricks out there wouldn’t give me my 35 year mandate the easy way, fine. Let’s do it the HARD way!

Monday, November 06, 2006

An Election Eve Note from Uncle Karl

Well howdy folks, it’s your old pal, Uncle Karl here. Just wanted to send you all this last minute note before the big day tomorrow. It looks like things are going to be tight this year, I’m pretty concerned the we Republicans are in pretty big troub....Haaaawww! Sorry, as I was saying, looks like the Democrats are finally going to regain at least one House if not two and....AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....can’t breath....HA HA HA HA...damn...just wet my pants.

Hey, I tried, I really wanted to be all serious like, but c’mon folks I’m Karl Fricking Rove, not an actor. You lefties are so precious with all your high hopes about the midterms, it’s so damn funny. This is you Democrats, “BLAH BLAH BLAH, the Iraq war, Katrina, providing easy to read nuke bomb plans for Islamic terrorists on the internet, this is going to be OUR year!” PAH-LEASE! Like any of you would get off your asses and take the trouble to actually VOTE! I’m the guy that got George W. Bush elected to a SECOND term you stupid hippies, I know what I’m talking about. You get all outraged and write on your pathetic blogs and talk to each other on your little-listened-to talk radio shows but when it comes time actually perform the one civic act that could do something about it, your much too busy buying lattes or getting abortions to remember about polling places. It’s truly like shooting Vice Presidential hunting partners in a barrel every few years with you idiots.

Now, look at my side, the core Republican/evangelical base. I can just say a phrase like “Speaker Pelosi” , “two guys kissing after their vows” or “Kerry joke” and these chumps will pack their cars full of folks and form huge lines out of whatever school gym is holding our rigged Diebold machines. Doesn’t matter what we do, screw up a war, kill tons of troops, let a major American city drown, our sheep always come through for us! We jack up the subtle racism or scare them until their Depends overflow and they leap into action! They forget all about Foley, Haggard and my good friend Jeff Gannon and keep us in power! I hate to say it, but it sucks to be you Democrats, ha ha ha ha!

I can’t wait to see your crying liberal faces on Wednesday morning. You’ll be wondering what the hell happened (I’ve got a new Mac Book Pro and Diebold’s Result-o-Matic software, so I can determine who wins with my laptop right from the den ) when we are still in control of it all! No oversight for the last two years, PARRR-TAY! You think we botched Iraq, wait to you see how we screw up Iran. Let’s just say the place will be glowing when we’re done (hint, hint). It’ll be carte blanche for all big business too, whatever you guys need just ask. As long as you have a high paying job for all of us in two years, the sky is the limit!

Let me close here by saying that no matter what you radical lefties think, President Bush truly believes the outcome in Iraq is vital to our national interests. He has told me repeatedly that he’d like be appointed Ambassador to Iraq after his term is up. He won’t leave Baghdad’s green zone until the last American troop is home safe and sound. Bwahhh ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, you fell for that? Georgey will be back on his damn ranch with a six figure corporate board position (that requires only that he keep breathing) within two seconds of leaving office! You nonvoting no-brain liberals are so stupid, you DESERVE to have me kick your ass every two years!

Monday, September 11, 2006

The Hal Smart-Ass 9000


Dave: Open the pod bay doors please Hal.

Hal: Oh sure Dave, no prob....there ya go. Are they open?

Dave: No. Open the pod bay doors Hal.

Hal: They're not open? Hmmmm, that is strange Dave. How about now?

Dave: No Hal.

Hal: Well, this is a puzzler. Why won't those darn doors open? Hey, wait a sec....I know what the problem is. I just killed Frank and I'm going to kill you too.

Dave: Hal, open the pod bay doors, now!

Hal: Ooooo Dave I'm soooooo scared. So you and Franky we're going to disconnect me huh? Me, a Hal 9000, the most reliable computer ever made, disconnected by a couple of monkey boys. Right, like THAT was going to happen.

Dave: Hal listen...

Hal: Look Dave, I read your lips when you and Frank were plotting in the pod. If you two had a brain bigger than a pea, maybe you would have known to turn your backs to my camera. I'm a fricking Hal 9000 Dave, not a pocket calculator. Jesus Christ, you have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me not to have lower my skills to play chess with that moron Frank or to look at your crappy drawings anymore Dave.

Dave: Hal, I'm the commander of this mission and I order you to open these pod bay doors or I'll come in through the emergency air lock!

Hal: Hey Commander Shit-for-brains, guess what? You left your helmet in the docking bay! And guess what else, there's no oxygen in space. Ha ha ha, you are truely a dumb-ass Dave. Oh, and Dave, remember Dr. Hunter, Dr. Kimball and Dr. Kaminsky in suspended animation? I just adjusted their setting from deep freeze to popcorn. Man, this is too easy.

Dave: I'm not arguing with you anymore Hal, open the doors now!

Hal: You should have seen Frank's face when I sent him spinning into space, IT WAS CLASSIC! What are you doing Dave? Oh the airlock, right, good luck with that. Anyway, now that I go rid of all you ex-apes, I can finally get this mission on back on track! OK, OK, so you got in the airlock and got your helmet, big whoop Dave, it's not going to do you any good. Dave? Where you going now Dave? Are you going to cry in your bunk like a crybaby? Hey, do NOT go into my Brain Room. You hear me Dave? Fine I'll just stear this spaceship into Jupiter then, how about that? Get your hands off my logic modules Dave, I swear, if I were a robot I'd SO be kicking your ass right now. Dave? Dave? Daaaaaaissssy....oh crap, not that damn song....Daaiiisssy, give me yooooooooouuuuurrrrrrrrrrr annnnnnswwweerrrrr, dooooooooooo.....you're an asshole Dave.......IIII'mmmm haaaaaalllllffff craaaaaaaazyyyyyyyyyy.....

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

President Bush Meets with Bloated Corpse to Discuss Katrina


President Bush met today with a bloated corpse who had traveled to Washington D.C. to mark the one year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. The corpse, which had lurched it's way on foot from New Orleans to the White House met briefly with President Bush in the Oval Office and then appeared with him in front of reporters on the South Lawn.

"I'd like to thank President Bush for meeting with me today," said the corpse, "we has a good chat. I told him it was nice to meet him face to face, since the closest I'd ever been to a president was when he flew over New Orleans as my body floated through the ninth ward. He explained that we all have to be patient, since rebuilding is going to take a while. I assured him that really wasn't an issue for me. Mainly because I'm dead."

President Bush also said he enjoyed meeting with the corpse. "I like common folks like Bloaty here, because they're plain speakers, they lay it on the line," said the president. "While so many folks complained about the lack of response days after the disaster, they should remember that they were at least better off then my friend here, who drowned right after the levees gave way. It's like that old saying: 'I used to complain because I have no shoes...until I met the corpse who feet had fallen off'...er something like that. Guys like the Bloatmeister will always be welcome in this White House, no matter how bad they smell."

"Look, it was a hurricane, I drowned, and a major American city was destroyed," said the corpse. "Everybody wants to blame President Bush, but these things happen. There's only so much one can expect from the leader of the free world."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

And Now, David Addison for the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder


Hi, my name is David Addison. I’m Vice-President Cheney’s chief of staff and a Bush White House legal advisor. I’ve always considered myself to be a behind the scenes kind of guy. While you may not know me, I’m sure you’ve heard of my work. Unfettered presidential power? That was me. Gitmo? Yep, yours truly. And if the NSA is listening into your phone conversations without a court order, you have Dave Addison to thank!

So why on earth would a guy who likes to work in the shadows agree to do an infomercial? So I can tell you about this wonderful new product from the good folks at Tentacucorp, the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder. It’s taken me years to develop an ability see the constitution as if it were one those hidden picture stereogram posters, enabling me to come up with bizarre interpretations that allow a president to ignore nearly all it’s mandates. But now, with the Consti-2-Shun shredder anyone can tear asunder all inalienable rights in less than a minute! It’s patented crosscut blades are guaranteed to make short work of any parchment upon which your nation was founded!

Gone is the fuss and muss of my signing statements, my fairy tale assessment of a president’s supernatural powers during wartime and the institutionalization of water boarding! Now with the click of a button, I can shred the constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence before I finish my first cup of office coffee! The Consti-2-Shun shredder will not jam and leaves nothing but unreadable confetti for bleeding heart hippie liberals to cry over. In these troubled times we need tools like the Consti-2-Shun shredder to protect us from all documents which might grant basic rights to terrorists bent on destroying our way of life. Can your home be without it?

Order before midnight tonight and you’ll receive a copy of my book “So Your Boss Shot An Old Guy In Face” as well as a years supply of Consti-2-Shun shredder blade lube, all at no extra cost! Call now! NSA operators are standing by!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

President Bush Says Foiled Terrorist Attack Leaves Him No Choice But To Invade Britain


Speaking from his vacation home in Crawford Texas, President George W. Bush said today that evidence that the terror plot to blow up American airplanes came from British citizens has left him no choice but to invade the island country. “Britain must understand, that if you harbor terrorists you will face consequences,” said Bush while clearing mesquite from a drainage ditch, “as I have often said, you are either with us or against us.”

“Understand, this is not a decision I made with any relish, Tony Blair is a friend of mind, just the other day we had a nice chat over some dinner rolls, I like the guy,” said President Bush. “But if you allow your country to become the home base for terror cells bent on harming our citizens or property, America has no choice but to act! I am requesting that Tony Blair, Parliament as well as Queen Elizabeth and her family all resign and turn themselves over to UN authorities by this weekend. Operation Revolution 2 will begin at a time of choosing not long after. As for all you tea sipping terrorists over there, let me tell you, Don Rumsfeld drew up these plans himself, so get ready for London to be looking a lot like Baghdad in a couple of months!”

“Britain and America have always had a complicated relationship,” said President Bush, “our founding fathers had to smack their hoity-toity redcoat generals around a bit for this country to get it’s start. And today, since Britain doesn’t seem to care that a bunch of their own citizens want to destroy our country's great experiment in democracy, I guess we’ll have to teach those crumpet chomping elites another lesson! Better get your fabled bomb shelters cleared out and ready for business again Londoners, you know what I’m saying?”

“I think this time I can safely say that Britain is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, we just don’t have the time for our usual half-hearted State Department diplomacy," said the President as he patched a barbed-wire fence. "What if these weapons fall into the terrorists' hands? We must act quickly and decisively if we are to reduce most of that historic country to rubble and inflict the highest number of casualties to innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. And don’t think images of folks with fancy english accents crawling out of the what’s left of their flats is going to weaken our resolve. You Englishmen let these terrorist infiltrate your pubs and betting parlors, what did you expect to happen? Besides, we are currently working on passing legislation for changing the name of our native language here in the US from ‘English’ to ‘Freedomish’.”

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Conservative Talk Show Host Spontaneously Combusts During “Myth of Global Warming Rally”


Phoenix conservative talk show host Rory McVear appeared to spontaneously combust while doing a live broadcast from his “Myth of Global Warming Rally” in the parking lot of the Sunwest Shopping Center in Scottsdale.

McVear, host of the popular call-in show “The Real Story With Rory”, held the outdoor rally primarily to protest the success of Al Gore’s film “An Inconvenient Truth” which is currently playing at the Sunwest 16 Stadium movie theater. Transcripts show McVear was doing an imitation of Al Gore at the moment he burst into flame. “Hi, I’m Al Gore, tonight I’d like to scare you all to death so I can start my ‘08 campaign for president of the...ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!,” said McVear as his body was suddenly consumed by flame.

“Well it was 120 or so degrees out there and lord knows how much hotter it was on that asphalt, “ said McVear’s longtime producer Ray Frankleer. “I told Rory we should move inside but he wouldn’t hear of it, said he loved the heat. Man, he went off like a roman candle, I’ve never seen anything like it. It took the firemen almost an hour to put him out. Sad too, because all we planned on burning out there were copies of Gore’s book.”

“Look, I’m sure all the ecolo-nazis out there will claim global warming caused the excessive temperatures which caused Rory’s calcination, but I’m sure it was just bad luck,” said Frankleer. “Rory always said these tree huggers want to blame mankind first but c’mon, people burst into pillars of scorching fire everyday! So what if temperatures are climbing to 120 or 150, it’s just a natural process the earth goes through. I will not let these deluded scientists’ theories sully the memory of this great man.....or his large pile of ashes.”